6 months ago today the world stopped for us. In many ways I continue to be stuck on December 12. I can't believe it's been 6 months since I last saw him, heard his voice in my ear, kissed him, laughed with him. Everyday feels like Dec 12 was yesterday and a million years ago. Time definitely moves differently now. It is still very hard to believe he is never coming home. It scares me how many times a day the full realization hits me, I don't want to keep feeling like this much longer, I want it to sink deep down and be. I can't account for the last 6 months. Foggy,foggy,foggy times. I don't know what I do with my days. I try not to be home as much as possible, being here hurts too much and reminds me too much of both the losses... Frank and Hunter. Life is such a different picture than it was in early December. My grief over losing Hunter has only recently started surfacing, the first few months after he left I just was numb to it, now it hurts. Badly.
I thought that after this first half year things would be easier. It's not. I cry more now than I ever did. I miss Frank more, ache for him more, hurt for my kids more, everything is just MORE and harder. About a thousand times a day something... a song, a memory, a smell, a picture, a word, a place will cause an ice pick to the chest feeling. Who knew you can live with so much pain in your heart?You can.
But I don't live in sorrow all day long. We go about our days, sometime around mid April I think we finally came out of survival mode and started finding our new normal. Everyone's changed a little, the kids are actually doing pretty well. I've maintained my sense of humor through it all and if you see me on FB....you know we're surviving. But I do not verbalize most of what I feel, it's very lonely but there's just nothing to do about it. The one person I want to talk to the most is forever silent. I dream about him sometimes, in most my dreams he can't speak and in ALL of them I know that he's been dead and I only have a little time with him. Sometimes I can't remember any dreams but wake up feeling like I have just seen him, smelled him, felt him. I can't look at pictures of him for more than about 3 seconds and then the horrible realizations and gut wrenching grief hits me. But I love to talk about him, I can show pictures to people and tell every story without losing it because it feels like it's helping keep him real. I NEED to say his name. I need to tell his stories. I'm so scared after another few months everyone will get tired of our grief, my need to talk about him or to share memories of him with me. Every shared memory puts a piece of the picture back for me. Sometimes someone will send me a message about something that happened in the past and it will give me back a memory I'd forgotten about and I love those moments. I NEED those moments.
I have clung to the promise of hope, that God will redeem and all this pain will not be in vain. None of it makes sense, I know it NEVER will. I try to focus on what is good, that despite all this horrible hurt.... we ARE blessed and lucky. We are. God is here and He's never left us for a second. I have raised my hands to heaven more these last 6 months than ever before. I feel at times that Jesus is sitting right in this hurt with me. For whatever reason, I've been trusted with this hurt, I've been trusted with this path I'm on. I can only keep moving ahead and pointing up. Am I failing, saying the f word alot and losing my temper? You bet I am. Grief isn't pretty. But I hope I'm showing realness, and I hope I'm putting a spotlight on the One who knows exactly how this story will end. I hope I'm showing my kids that things suck but we still laugh, we still play, we still treat people kindly, we still thank Him for what He's done for us. I pray for God to give me the ability to show grace, because this new position I'm in is very trying.
I've had so many things I wanted to say that I just can't put into words the right way when I sit to type. I have learned so much, I have seen so much, been burdened with so much,suffered so much. But I also feel like I'm persevering much and I hope that Frank would be proud of how we're doing, what we're doing. I was the crazy worrier in our relationship... I would worry myself sick sometimes over things and he would tell me to chill out or "Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:27). He was the one that would just say " Okay, let's do it!" and I would stay up nights weighing out every possible scenario and detail. He lived a more fearlessly. I think he left part of that with me. I am definitely not the same person I was 6 months ago. Frank would have really enjoyed this new me. I hate that I had to lose him to become this person. He would have been so proud to see me running so much, achieving new high mileage goals, running a half marathon next week,kayaking,hiking with the kids. He would have been so happy to see me and Lori taking the kids up to Mt.Rainier, me taking the kids to California for spring break..... all these things I would have been a bit afraid to do before. It's not fair that losing him has resulted in all this change he would have loved to be a part of. I know he got Heaven, and that is way more rewarding, but I wish he were here seeing all this, living our life with us.
We hurt so much and so deeply because we love him so much. We were so lucky to have him and his love and his incredible personality. I carry him in my heart and see his face in my children's. We talk about him everyday and I try to live and do things that would honor him, create a lasting legacy and help us deal with our grief positively. I also pray that in another 6 months there will be much more healing and less hurt,less lonely.
I can't thank everyone enough for the support,prayers,encouragement,friendship and love these last 6 months. I think we're doing so well because of it. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve all it, but I'm grateful for it.
We're hurting, but we're going to be alright.
