It's like standing on the shore ,feet plastered in the sand while the waves come at you. Some just lap at your feet,they come in quickly, barely touch you and then fast as they came... they're gone again. Others knock you over, steal your breath, leave you disorientated, scared....panicked. There are some that come slowly but that are so huge you can see them coming for what seems like forever.... you brace yourself, you tell yourself to keep breathing, you plant your feet in harder, stand up stronger....but it knocks you over anyway. And after every wave, you know there will be more. You know the ocean is neverending, the waves will ALWAYS find you, you know there's nothing you can do, no life boat coming to rescue you. You know those waves are forever going to be coming and all you can do is take it's beatings.
It's been 13.5 months of my feet plastered in that sand. I feel eroded. I'm worn out. I want a break from the waves.
I will NEVER get that. I could live another 50 years...... grief will always find me.
What It's Like.....
It's a rare sunny moment in January when I'm enjoying sunlight on my face, sitting on the porch and 4 Kiowas fly over in the distance. It's hanging your head and sobbing. Some days the helicopters don't bother me. Sometimes they do.
It's grocery shopping and bending down to grab a box of cereal and your eyes fall on his favorite, the one you never buy anymore and all of sudden not be able to breathe.
It's watching everyone else's lives go on... living everyday life, celebrate birthdays & holidays, adoptions, new babies, deployments, homecomings, dinner, or just going to get coffee together while you wade through living hell.
It's putting on a brave face when all you want to do is scream at everyone.
It's hearing a song on the radio that he liked and it reduces you to a bawling, snotty mess on your kitchen floor after you've had a fairly decent day.
It's looking at your kids and wanting the world to end because they don't have their daddy.
It's having nightmares about watching helicopters crash while you stand and scream because there's
nothing you can do about it.
It's feeling a shameful combination of anger,jealously, bitterness and intolerance for any kind of reminder of the life you use to have...... families at the park, couples driving through the neighborhood in their minivan, kids holding their dads' hands at the busstop, oh, that list could go on for days.
It's looking at pictures from your life before he died and not being able to see anything but loss.
It's all of sudden recently being so tormented by the details of the accident, being so angry, so enraged, so bitter that the mistakes of others cost you everything. It's wanting the ridiculous, avoidable mistakes that are so many to add up to a huge DO OVER and bring them all back.
"Hey guys, those flights ended up really f*cked up. We're gonna go ahead and do that over again. Everyone do their f*ckin job this time,pay attention to where you're flying and maybe four people won't die and all these lives get ruined. Mmmmkay?Great. Thanks."
It's sitting in church, surrounded by families and couples, while you sit by yourself, tears streaming down your face because you
just don't feel God anymore.
It's watching a little boy you adopted and was suppose to have forever be loved and flourish with another family. A mom AND a dad. It's being thankful, happy for him, ashamed,guilty,angry,jealous, bitter and bittersweet all at the same time. All the time. It's having people brush off that part of your loss like it doesn't mean anything because "it was the right thing to do." The "right thing" didn't make it any easier to deal with.
It's sitting in a packed vehicle with all single friends when a song comes on the radio from the 90s and someone says "What's your memory of this???" and not sharing because that was a song from another time, another place, another love.........a different life.
It's always being "different" than everyone else.
It's having the only thing stopping you from standing in front of an oncoming train be the three already traumatized children who are sleeping upstairs. The ones who need your sh*tty mothering skills to get them to adulthood. God help us all.
It's with me all the time. Before my feet hit the floor in the morning I already want to go back to sleep and escape it all. Grief is the underlying hum of my existence. It's running in my thoughts while I'm showering, getting kids ready for school, driving, grocery shopping, sitting at the park while Liam plays, cleaning, washing dishes, etc etc etc. The core of who I am has been forever and completely changed. My reactions, my opinions, my fears, my worries, my insecurities,my emotions..... all are different now. And I can't trust they'll be consistent either.
It's changed my faith, my relationships, my mothering.... it has left me damaged.
I use to be hopeful. I use to put up a fight. I use to pray. I use to care about having a purpose. Now it just takes too much energy and I'm tired of getting knocked down.
I’m tired, I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes
Cause I'm worn........
-Tenth Avenue North
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