There have been times when late at night I go and just stand at that wall with his name etched into it and put my face on the writing and cry and say "I'm sorry" over and over again because I should have loved him better. I am wracked with guilt. I should have taken more time, I should have enjoyed him more, put my responsibilities aside for a little while, given him my full attention, put aside my pride and agendas, just to make him feel my love better. I was engulfed with mothering most the time,as most mothers with many small children do. I should have spent more time on him. I will never get that chance back with him. I cringe when I think of the times I just wanted to lock myself alone in the bathroom rather them sit next to him and share time and affection. I cringe when I think of all the times he reached out to love me and I, distracted, annoyed, would say "don't touch me, not right now!" I turned down making love for a few extra minutes sleep?! ?!? What was I thinking?!? What did that DO to his heart???
Oh, what did I DO to his heart????
I feel desperate to know if those things weren't as loud in our history as I am reliving them. Please let him have known, deep inside his soul, that I loved him so much. That losing him almost killed me. That it took a long time to WANT to keep living after he was gone. Please let him somehow know that.
Please let me never make the foolish, selfish mistake of withholding myself from loving and being present in the moments of love. Loving hurts in incredible, terrifying ways now. "Love you???!! But I could LOSE you!! This could hurt like THAT HURT again? I can't bear that pain again. I can't.
But I love you with this scary, wonderful love deep within my soul,and I want you to have it and keep it. I can't bear the pain but I also can't bear not sharing my heart, my past, my wounds, my triumphs, my defeat, my children, my joy, my sadness, my body, my future with you."
The pain of loss has molded me. I have gained a resounding perspective about the beauty in being vulnerable. My heart has not been destroyed by the suffering. It is different. It is scared. It is hurt easily. But it is also filled with a mighty force to love.
I love my children with it and I love H with it. And wherever Frank is, I hope he forgives my human foolishness. He was a love I could never replicate or appreciate enough. Losing the chance to love him the rest of my life has changed my heart. I hope that somehow the words from my wounded heart can change yours….
To love deeper. Even if it hurts.Even when it DOES hurt. Even when it WILL hurt again….
