There's been some hard moments in this house the last 24 hours and the heartbreak hasn't stopped or gotten easier or more understandable.
Last night after writing about the Hard Decision I sat outside for a long time pacing and listening to a few songs, just trying to find my way. I am so confused and so sad and so disappointed. I feel all your prayers, I read all your amazing messages but I still don't feel like a strong person or a great mom or any of those things. I just feel lost. Like I've just been dropped in the ocean and told to swim, knowing there's no way I can make it from one end of the it to the other. The feelings are that vast, that deep, that lonely.
I'm so desperate to know what the future looks like because the right now hurts too much. Melody and I were talking about it last night , we just want to see what life looks like 6 months, 8 months, a year from now. Will there be more joy than sorrow? Lord, I hope so. I want to know that I will have a purpose defined for me. Who I am suppose to be now?
And then this song keeps popping in my head, I heard it for the first time the day after the world changed.....
(click the title)
Remind Me Who I Am
Still praying. There will be joy again. There will. Believing that HE will heal your heart.
ReplyDeleteBeloved. by so many
ReplyDeleteBeloved. by HIM
Shoot. The video is not available in my country. I'll trying to find it elsewhere. Trusting Him with you, sister. We go through some tragic things and live years in the darkness )you know my story - the one I'm writing the book about) but He DOES heal you. And He IS faithful. It just sucks right now. I feel some of that with you. If you truly knew how often God puts you on my heart each day, it might blow your mind. You are LOVED. ADORED by Him. And me <3
ReplyDeleteWhat Christie said! There are so many of us that are desperately thinking of ways to be your life raft in the middle of that big emotional ocean. You are so loved and we all feel the heartbreak, the sorrow, and the raw grief that you are going through. I sincerely wish that you could hand over your despair and we could all carry it for you. I truly do. I love you guys and continue to pray for a deliverance from this nightmare <3
ReplyDeleteI thought about this, you having to find who you are without Frank. Like me, our husbands have been with us since our youth and we are who we are because of them. And yet God is our creator, and the core of who you are in Christ has not changed. I know it's not a project you would want to sign up for, but discovering who you are now...isn't a bad thing. Their careers dictate nearly everything about our lives and suddenly you've been released without warning or a say....I know I would feel like I was drifting in an ocean, too. And as for being strong and a good mom...Kryste, there are women who would be balled up on the floor, incapable of making a single decision, even to feed their children or take a shower. And here you are MAKING the decision every second to keep moving forward. That is an example of the strength we all see. You don't need to believe it, just keep doing it. And when you can't stand it anymore, that's when we'll come in and pick you up and drag you along until you can stand again. And hard decisions, even after you've made them, don't always bring relief. I love you so much and I can't wait to cry with you and watch the moon and smoke a cigarette. And I'll be there a year from now, sitting beside you while you do whatever you need to do to cope. Just worship while you wait, sister, and know that the One who loves you beyond our comprehension has your future planned already.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Kryste. Wish I could be there to give you a hug. Thinking of and praying for you and the kids everyday.
ReplyDelete