Just when you think you've felt all layers of hurt, another one peels back and reveals another raw,traumatic layer.
Eight weeks ago tonight Frank gave Hunter the last bedtime bottle he'd ever give him and tonight I did the same thing. I sat and held him, tears slipping down my face onto his little blue jammies and kept whispering "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He was with his new mom most the day today and it was a hard adjustment for me. For 6 months and 5 days he's been my constant responsibility and all day I kept panicking " Where's Hunter?!!" or "Someone check on Hunter" only to realize, " Oh yeah, he's not here." I was packing all his things into his suitcase, kept thinking about how empty this place will seem when he's gone. Buoniconti:Party of 6 will be down to Buoniconti:Not-so-party of 4. God, please let this be the last of our losses, we can't bear anymore.
I know deep down this is what is best for all of us and that he is going to an amazing family. Honestly he's going to be far better off than these 3 left here with me. He'll be in thick of 8 other siblings, a mommy AND a daddy, lots of laughter and joy. He's the lucky one. Here at our house we're just stumbling through the days, some better than others. Healing has been happening though, I can say that.
I still struggle horribly with feeling guilt and shame. I beat myself up for not being THAT mom, who can homeschool, be amazing all the time for her children, have almost a dozen children and be the one purposely picking the severe special needs child.... if I could just be more like that, than I could handle all this. If I could just handle all his needs, present and future and still help my other children heal and thrive..... if if if.
I can't though. And it sucks admitting you can't do something when for years you've said 'Yes, I CAN."
I know that Hunter is going to be fine. My other kids will get past his leaving. I'll somehow get use to the lack of baby bottles, musical toys, all the extra diaper changes,the double stroller, the sounds of his silly giggles, even making up his meds. So much of my day is centered around caring for Hunter. He's the one I hold and hug the most. There is going to be an emptiness here that just fits into the emptiness Frank left.
We'll keep marching on along this road we never saw coming,some days with weeping and some days with hopefulness.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor 9
I never know what to say, the words just do not come out right when I type them. All this suffering and pain but yet you deal with it with such GRACE. You might not see it, but God is using you now to to be that silent witness to many. So many could give up and live in complete despair, but you march forward and attack this huge mountain in your path with such grace. You inspire me every day, you are a the true meaning that with God ALL things are possible. I will continue to pray you and the kids.
ReplyDeleteMichelle
Much Love and prayers Kryste.
ReplyDeleteKryste, you are an amazing woman, and to have your heart so open is breathtakingly beautiful. No one has walked in your shoes before, and you are showing all of us that His grace and mercies are enough. The love you are showing your family, yes.... even Hunter, is so beautiful. I will continue to pray for you all, always, and I am really looking forward to being there with you soon, and letting you help kick my butt into shape for Frank's Feat in June!! For now.... I ask for His peace that passes ALL understanding to be upon you, and His love to wrap you up in the warmest Snuggie possible!
ReplyDeleteJust reminded of a Corrie Ten Boom quote - "There are no "if's" in God's world. He is forming you into the person he wants you to be, even though it is not the way any of us would have chosen. And NO ONE is "that Mom" with it together all the time...and the best Mom's admit that fully and immediately. We all struggle, we all stumble and we all feel completely inadequate most of the time. That's why we are thankful that we have a perfect Savior we can point our children to as the REAL example and the REAL standard - the One with perfect love, perfect compassion and willing to carry our burdens for us. Praying for you everyday, Kryste, even more than normal this week as you make this difficult adjustment.
ReplyDeleteKryste, I do think you are amazing. Letting him go is a huge act of selfless love and courage. You are having the courage to do what you know you need to do and what is best for Hunter. Anyways, blah, blah, blah...like others say I never have the right words...and half the time worry I might be saying the exact WRONG ones! But know I'm praying for you and sending you all my love. XOXO, Angie
ReplyDeleteMost don't even have the guts to TRY. Don't ever say you're not THAT mom. You are exactly who Christ wants you to be. He is shaping you right now for something amazing. And He chose you for Frank, and for all four of those kids. Children are blessings from God, a reward. And He has blessed you greatly. I will pray specifically that you are healed from guilt and a sense of failure. Please listen for His words of comfort and peace, so you can KNOW He is pleased with you and you have nothing to feel guilty for. Love you so much, sister.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your beautiful family. May God wrap you in His arms and hold you tight, may you know healing, comfort and peace. May He bless you and ALL your children, wherever life takes them. May He surround you with His all-embracing love. May He provide all you need and encompass you with support.
ReplyDeleteWith love, prayers and blessings x
You are a mom I hope to be someday! You always put your childrens needs in front of yours and I am envious of that! You may not think you are "that" mom- but I do:)
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