3-16-10 ( 11.5 months into a 12.5month deployment in Afghanistan)
Babe,
I love you. You're the one I want most when shit hits the fan, when I've had a bad day, when I just need SOMEONE to understand me and love me. I still feel so lucky that I have you. I can't wait for you to get home, to watch you walk that ridiculously long walk up Green Ramp... catch your eye, smile and know that's the last damn time you'll be doing that. I can't wait to have our kids bombard you and then I get my turn. I can't wait to bring you home, hold your hand in the car, have you set your stuff down and know you won't be picking it back up and leaving again after 2 weeks. I can't wait to love you and love you and love you.
I miss you and I am now so freakin' excited that you will be here soon. I can't believe it's almost over.
Love you, so so much.
Krys
I was reading through our old emails from deployments and this one struck me especially hard. It sums up how deep the loss of him is. We're not all so lucky to have someone you can ALWAYS count on for emotional support. But I was. No matter what was going on, how bad things were, how stressed out I was... he could make it better. Just a few words of encouragement from him could calm me through hard times. He built me up, never tore me down. He made me feel beautiful and desired even when 4 pregnancies,3 births and breastfeeding 3 babies had done it's job on my body. He made me feel funny and fun to be around by always wanting to spend his time with me. I knew that I was the person he preferred to be with if he had his chance to spend time with anyone. He held my hand. He sat me up on the kitchen counter and made out with me.( that very morning even.) He told me jokes. He made his weird faces at me. He always grabbed my butt. He always tried to get me to lighten up, stop worrying so much and just ENJOY. He encouraged and supported my passions, he amazed me with his generosity and hospitality, he was loving and fun with our children. He was the friend you could count on for just about anything, anytime.When I had a bad day with the kids and was questioning my abilities as a mother, he always reassured me and told me I was doing a good job.
I've really struggled this last week with coming to terms with the vastness of him not being here anymore. There are so many things I want to tell him and ask him about. There have been so many moments when all I want is to be wrapped into arms and my face in his chest and just feel safe. He was my safety. He was my refuge. For 15 years he was my best friend and when it came down to it, the ONLY person I wanted. 15 years and I still liked to watch him sleep, loved listening to him breathe, was IN LOVE with him.
I know I was blessed. I know some people go their whole lives never having THAT kind of love.
And his love was the kind that mattered. It filled me up and left me full.He left me without regrets. We loved each other and loved and enjoyed each other well. I only wish we would have had more time. His love left me secure,confident and strong. Strong enough to lose him. Strong enough to carry on without him.
But good God, I miss him. And wow, the hole that is just here. The ever hanging emptiness. The silence when I need reassurance. The comfort when I'm scared. The laughter when I needed to get over myself. It's just not there. At the end of the day, I'm left with nothing but the memories how it felt to be his. But I'm not his anymore. I don't even feel like life before Dec 12 was ever even mine. I look at pictures and struggle with believing that was ever really my life. Time is warped since Dec 12. It feels like yesterday and a million years ago all at once. Time doesn't move the same either. It's been 3 months and 5 days but feels like 5 years. Time has slowed down to a drip. My heart feels like it beats slower and out of rhythm. But stronger.
Every bit of my life is completely different without him. Every minute is touched by his absence. Every road I walk on is now different from the way it should have been. I'm meeting people I never would have, doing things I wouldn't have had time ,the reason or the drive to do. Making decisions alone. Parenting alone. And struggling with it terribly. Mourning my past, present and future. Pictures from the months leading up to Dec 12 are hard to look at. It's like knowing a movie will end really badly and it makes you anxious knowing the tragedy is coming. The future feels like that sometimes too. Like every bit of it is marred by this. Sure, we may smile, laugh and carry on, but we're wounded. Never going to be the same. Never going to trust happiness again. It's too fragile, too fleeting. But on the other hand I feel like someday I could love someone and love them well and appreciate love and marriage even more because of losing Frank.I was a good wife. I loved being married and was really good at it. I can't believe that at 32 it's over for me. It's all I wanted to be in my life... his wife and their mother. Now I can't be his wife and I am royally screwing up being their mother. God is going to fix this and use it for His glory though, right? I know the end of this story. God wins. Love wins.I wish I could remember that all the time.
I had 15 years with a man who was brilliant, funny,dedicated,good and he loved me. He chose me everyday,even when I didn't deserve it. Those 15 years made me who I am. HE made me who I am, both his amazing life and devastating death.
Love wins.
When it's all said and done no one will remember how far we've run the only thing that matters is how we did love.....
("Blink" by Revive)
Beautiful. Not quite sure any other word could describe it:)
ReplyDeleteI want so badly not to hurt with what I say... Jeff will see what you wrote today because he believed so much in how well Frank loved you all. What is so important to me is that he knows he does it well, like Frank did. That he would leave the same legacy as Frank. I think Frank had to know he was good at loving his family because we all did. I fear I don't tell mine often enough how well he does. Today I will tell him...using your beautiful words.
ReplyDeleteYour story has touched me deeply. I still remember where I was when I found out what had happened. Your choice to live out loud, to be real, to be vulnerable, to share your grief and your memories and your love is touching hearts. Only God knows how many and in what ways but I am one. I have no idea what God has in store for my future, for my marriage, my family, but I am learning from you not to take it for granted. Bad things happen, even to good people and our idea of bad and God's idea of bad aren't always the same. I have lived all my life with so many fears and some of them are playing out in your life right now. I am learning through you that no amount of worrying will add even an hour to my life or to the lives of those I love. I must surrender and trust that God is good even when all around me the world seems like it is falling apart. I have wept real tears over your loss even though we have never met. I wish we would have gotten to know each other when you were in NC. Longing for Heaven where He will wipe away every tear. My heart hurts for you so very much. I realize that I have the luxury of closing my laptop and going on about my life. You don't have that luxury. It sucks. It hurts. It isn't fair. And despite all of those things, you continue to love the Lord and praise Him. Your love speaks volumes. your love for Frank and for God. Trusting Him to continue to hold you and evelop you with His peace that doesn't make sense apart from Him.
ReplyDeleteAnd...you're an amazing screw up of a mother! I remember the last time they were deployed and you were screwing it up then too...only to realize that as we talked, I was screwing it up just as much, if not better than you were. God picked you to be their mother. You won't do it perfectly but He knew that when He picked you and He knew you'd do a lot alone when He picked you. HE STILL CHOSE YOU! We're all messing our kids up. :) And no, you're not doing a better job than all the rest of us. Promise.
ReplyDelete